September Issue of The Full Plate Dispatch
As I consider what motivates our donors and how to appeal to them, I’ve arrived at a realization which I want to share. I started down this pondering road after reading an article about visualizing and loving one’s inner-child. What a nice idea. And loads of nonsense.
I’ve coached people through hugging one’s three-year-old self. Very lovely. Healing. Comforting. Soothing. And also an unhelpful, sorry-sack, psycho-babble, pity-party.
In most cases, the person just relives pain and trauma and offers himself or herself sympathy and understanding. You may recognize some of your adult reactions are that little one’s screams. Sure, with a qualified therapist, this form of therapy might be helpful. Perhaps you forgive. You don’t forget. So, I ask: How does the visit to the child-self really help a person become whole?
It’s adult-you that needs love. You’ve denied your original self — pushed him or her away for too long. Your adult-self has become what was expected by the world instead of what was intended by God. Let’s try something new.
Be the child you were merged into the adult you are.
The issue with trauma — or with just growing up — is losing your authentic self. Losing the untarnished, unscarred person who was connected to God. The adult-self hides the child in order to satisfy others by being what is expected in order to fit in, be accepted, or loved. Or the adult-self keeps a stoic distance to protect the child-self from further harm. In both cases, the authentic self is repressed — even negated as wrong or bad.
The result? We continue to repress the child-self to avoid others’ punishment!
See, I’ve put myself in a timeout — you don’t need to do it!
Or, you can’t find me to punish me — and I’ve hidden who I am so well, you can’t give me a timeout.
For a life filled with joy and wonder, full of connection to others and the connection with God, it’s the child-self that must emerge. You need to rediscover the person you were before the trauma, the schooling, the rules, the punishment. The self-regulation.
I do not mean to not work and pay your own bills or move in and sponge off your parents. I do not mean to have a temper-tantrum in the store. This is not an invitation to violate God’s Commandments. To love your adult-self, you must continue to take care of yourself in this moment and be a responsible person in this life you have created.
What I mean is don’t just recall your child-self. Don’t remember how you used to play. Don’t wax nostalgic about how you used to have an open heart.
I mean: Open your heart. Open your mind and imagination. Forget your ego in your suit. Let go of any and all inhibitions or pretense. Forget about satisfying the world’s expectations. Stop hiding. It’s time to play.
You ask: Well, how do I do that?
I say: You practice. You try some things. You shift your thinking.
EVERYONE WAS A FRIEND
When I was a child and another child I didn’t know approached me at the playground, we would just start playing. Eventually, we would exchange names. But names didn’t matter. Remember those moments?
Nothing mattered but the essence of that other kid. That she could whip a frisbee. That he knew the names of the different rocks in the creek. That he could play a guitar while the rest of us were drawing. That she was interested in the book I was reading. Or he was wearing a tee-shirt with my favorite movie or band. We connected on an authentic level. Everyone was a friend. I approached others with an open heart, with sincere interest, with compassion. I was curious. I withheld judgment — and judged others gently. Remember acting that way?
YOUR HEART DIES
With autonomy, adults give up playing. We reject spur of the moment, gut reaction, silliness, openness. We eschew lazy days. We do not take risks.
We worry about consequences. We worry about what others think. We work hard to not get in trouble or be judged negatively. We worry about budgets and portfolios. We worry about car maintenance and stains in the toilet. We compete with the neighbor and the coworker. We compare self to others. We anguish over career choices. We are terrified to dirty our clothes or scuff our shoes.
We equate being an adult with being serious. With satisfying expectations. We forget — we abandon — the freedom we desired. And we do nothing to revive our dreams or desires.
In the film The Breakfast Club, Ally Sheedy’s character, Allison, offers the best advice in that incredible film. The five high school students are discussing how they will in “no way” be like their respective parents when they grow up.
Allison: It’s unavoidable. It just happens.
Claire: What happens?
Allison: When you grow up, your heart dies.
Bender: Who cares?
Allison: I care.
Like Allison, I care. Deeply. And I bet you do, too.While we cannot set aside adulting like jobs or parenting, paying bills or obeying traffic laws, we can restart our hearts. We can reignite our sense of adventure and wonder. We can feel alive again.
“I will give you a new heart, and a new spirit I will put within you. I will remove the heart of stone from your flesh and give you a heart of flesh.” – Ezekiel 36:26
REKINDLE YOUR KID
The approach is all about restarting or rediscovering your heart. You are not giving up a thing. You are bringing your loving, happy child-self into the present. Remember the Twilight Zone episode, Kick the Can? You liked it — but you don’t live it! That’s your mistake.
Take a look at these adulting-rules and how to change your approach:
You have to cook. Have you tried just mixing random things together without a recipe and eating it? Like a peanut butter and cucumber sandwich? Give yourself permission to try things. Or, if you are like me and enjoy cooking, create new recipes. Blast your favorite music and dance around the kitchen when you make dinner. Play with the kids or your partner while you cook. Make it a game — not a chore!
You have to clean. Same approach here. Make it fun. Create competitions: You vacuum and I’ll dust — and we race to get it done. Or we both clean a bathroom — let’s see who is faster! Play music. Dance with the broom. Remember when every day was a game? When every moment was a chance to play?
You dread birthdays. I know so many people who stopped celebrating birthdays. I consider that a telltale sign of getting old and giving up. My birthday has become a “birthday month” and I demand attention for that time. I’ve earned every wrinkle and my aching knees! Give yourself a party! Buy fun stuff! Celebrate your life. Blow out candles, get a pinata, hug your friends! Be grateful for the years God graced to you.
You have to go to work. Unless you become independently wealthy, yes, you have to work. We all do. The question to ask yourself is: Are you doing the work you really want to do? What work would be fun for you? I know, I know, work is supposed to be miserable. Yeah, keep selling yourself that line.
One of my coaching clients could not deal with leaving her career. She hated her work and her life — but kept doing it because she wanted the financial freedom it offered. In her heart, she wanted to be a teacher — but could not even consider living a modest lifestyle to make her dream come true. What would your child-self say about the work you do?
You have to associate with people you do not like, admire, or trust. I think that is one of the most insidious lies the master of lies tells us. When you were a kid, you would walk away from the bully or mean kid. You would call out the liar or cheater. Do you belong to clubs or groups with people you do not like? Do you work in a place with people you do not trust or admire? Why?
Another one of my coaching clients was a recovering alcoholic. But she continued to associate with people who constantly told her she was “no fun” because she didn’t drink anymore. When I suggested not going to that social club anymore, she stopped coming to coaching.
Ask your child-self if he or she feels good or safe around your friends and co-workers. If not, it’s time to find a new tribe.
TIME TO PLAY
Remember the film, Tag? Where the adult men play tag for years? If you have not seen it, today is the day.
Tag, you’re it.
This week, do at least one of these things and hold that moment in time. Be there. Be you before life morphed you into adult-you. Adult-you is killing YOU. Adulting is highly overrated. Our responsible behavior robotically and dutifully performed while devoid of passion is our disease. God never intended our hearts to harden.
- Take a risk. No, don’t start skateboarding (or pick it up again if you have bad knees)! I’m not suggesting you hurt yourself. By taking a risk, I mean examine your life and do something you normally would not do. Go on vacation on a whim. Paint a room in your house a wild color. Open yourself to making a mistake!
- Love your body. Stop comparing adult-you to child-you. Stop comparing yourself to others. Stop posting washed-out selfies so you get rid of the wrinkles and any sign that you have skin at all! Look at yourself in the mirror and love the lines. Celebrate the beauty that is the you God created and loves.
- Save a bird. Rescuing or fostering an animal from a shelter can give you the same sense of wonder and fill your heart with a love of nature and caring.
- Pretend you can fly. Spread your arms and swoop around the lawn. If your neighbor gives you a funny look, invite him or her to swoop with you!
- Imagine you can go through your closet into another world. Get in the closet. Do it. Close the door. Close your eyes. Where do you travel? (Narnia?)
- Make a potion with grass and leaves. Use a spoon or other inappropriate utensil to collect the dirt. You remember how to do this! I prefer to make mud cake with leaves as filling.
- Enjoy a treat. Buy or prepare your favorite kid-treat. Eat it. Enjoy it. Share it. Remember those candy dots on the long strip of paper? Eat the paper, too. Or get some pop-rocks.
- Make a snow or pillow fort. Defend it. This game is most fun if you defend it against your partner or kids.
- Use a magnifying glass to look at bugs. (No, don’t burn them!) You want to activate that sense of wonder you lost in college.
- Eat with your hands. Make a mess. Smear. Drip.
- Hang out with a stranger. Chat up someone at the coffeehouse. Or the gym. A smile goes a long way. Don’t bother with names — and do not whip out your business card!
- Look at the room upside down so the ceiling looks like the floor. I know your chiropractor is not going to recommend this one. If you are able to do it, get on the bed, bend backwards, and pretend. The idea is to adjust your perspective. You haven’t done that in years!
- Dress in a costume and play pretend. Go to Comicon or a Cosplay event. Embrace Steampunk. No, you don’t have to get weird — it’s about fun. Go to a Trekkie Convention. Or a film opening as one of the characters. Yes, you look silly. How wonderful!
- Explore the woods or a cave. Don’t count steps. Just go, spur of the moment. Bring binoculars. Bring a camera. Bring a magnifying glass. Don’t get anywhere or accomplish anything. Just explore.
- Bake something and make a mess. Throwing ingredients is the mandate.
- Color in a coloring book. Do it.
- Pretend you live under water. Ever wanted to be a mermaid or merman? The summer is a great time to submerge yourself and imagine…
- Write messages in secret code. Create a decoding book. Share notes with friends, your partner, your kids, or workmates.
- Play a game like hopscotch, jump rope, or jacks.
- Make up a dance. This activity is particularly fun if you include friends and perform in your yard.
- Play in the rain and jump in puddles. This activity is particularly rewarding if you are in your work clothes.
- Bring cupcakes or cookies to everyone at work. For no reason.
- Make a card for a loved-one’s birthday. Use crayons or markers. And glue. And glitter. Lots of glitter.
- Catch lightning bugs or butterflies. Hold your quarry in a jar for a few minutes so you can admire them before you let them go.
- Have a tea party with stuffed animals and a few humans.
- Build a sandcastle.
- Have a sleepover with friends. Avoid screen time. Play games. Tell ghost stories. Make s’mores or cookies. Be silly. Don’t drink alcohol or plan some complicated five-course dinner. Chips. Dip. Cookie dough.
- Lay on your back in the grass and look at the stars or the clouds.
- Use a prism to make rainbows all over the house.
- Build something with toy blocks. (You know you still have those Legos in the attic…)
- Make paper airplanes, paper toys, or origami animals.
- Call friends and play tag, hide and go seek, or manhunt.
Most importantly, journal how these activities make you feel. How these moments awaken something in you. No pretense. No adulting.
Your heart will soften. You will approach life with childlike wonder. Responsibilities become honors – a God-given moment to better the world. Creating is no longer irresponsible but mandatory. Volunteering becomes something you want to do – not an obligation. Giving, tithing, donating becomes a joyful moment – not a duty.
When you escape the world and its edict to heal your inner child and, instead, revive that inner child who has the power to buy gum when he or she chooses, what you can and will accomplish with joy will astound you.
“Truly I tell you, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven.” – Matthew 18:3
Adapted from (Don’t) Stop Acting Like a Child, Copyright C. Schmidt, 2022. Originally published in Medium: Manual Focus, July 4, 2022.
